Lie Continuously They Lie Extravagantly and They Lie Because They Must

A major issue that often comes up in couples work is defensiveness.  This is often coupled with a mild form of dishonesty, or lying about little things fairly constantly.  This behavior can drive a partner crazy, because they feel gaslighted, or that their partner is trying to change their view of reality.  Here are some examples:

Partner A: Did you finish the cereal?

Partner D (for defensive): No.  I mean, if I did it would be because you didn't buy me eggs like I asked you to do, but I didn't.  The kids must have.

Or:

Partner A: It hurt my feelings when you didn't respond to my texts all day.

Partner D: I did respond!  I am super busy at work though, but I did!  Your phone never gets texts.

Or even:

Partner A: Why didn't you stay with me at the hospital after I gave birth?

Partner D: You told me to leave!  I heard you say it.

Yes, there are cases where Partner D may be telling the truth, but if you are married to this type of person, you have likely acted "crazy" and done things like:

• gone through their phone
• asked other observers how they remember a given interaction (possibly even, unfortunately, your kids)
• gone through the trash, phone bills, their computer, anything else
• video or audiotaped them

And all of these detective behaviors, although indubitably not a road you want to go down in your relationship, have often given objective, concrete proof that your significant other is, in fact, lying about these small things.  This usually makes partners furious, as they think, "If I can't trust them about small stuff, they might be lying about really important stuff too!"

With this type of person, the lying is rooted in a core fear of inadequacy.  Partner D likely grew up feeling that they were never good enough, and often they were frequently criticized or shamed by a parent.  They learned to lie as a matter of course, to evade their parent's censure or punishment, and this habit never fully went away.  They lie to "get out of trouble."  The eventual result of this behavior is that, whether or not you started off this way, you end up acting in a prosecutor role, and your partner plays the beleaguered defendant or victim.

Partner D's lying may not even rise to the level of consciousness.  As s/he is telling you a lie, it is the truth to them, or at least they feel that it has a flavor of the truth.  For instance, they really may have meant to text you back, or they were eating the cereal while feeling so anxious that they barely remember choking it down, or they wished very badly that you told them to leave the hospital to get some rest after you gave birth, and they can almost believe it happened.

This lying behavior is also highly related to shame.  Instead of apologizing for, say, eating the cereal, as someone would do who has a higher level of self-esteem, someone who is ashamed of being unable to restrain himself from eating the cereal feels horrible on a core level when this behavior is called out into the open, and therefore feels paralyzed, with the only option being to lie about the behavior.

Children engage in this same type of lying, particularly when they feel ashamed. (This is why it is important to not react with scary rage when kids do things wrong, because it will teach them 1- that "getting in trouble" means they are a horrible, unlovable person, and 2- to lie about anything they do wrong to avoid feeling that way.)

If you recognize yourself and your partner's dynamic in this post, it may quite honestly be useless to share the post with them, as they will likely say, "Yes, that's what you say I do, but that's wrong."  However, you can try to deeply introspect about what in your partner's upbringing (or your own, if you are self-aware enough to recognize yourself in the role of Partner D) may have led to them feeling terrified of disapproval from a caretaker.

It may not be difficult to connect your partner's current defensiveness with a strict or angry upbringing, or one where your partner's parent was so burdened (by, say, poverty, depression, alcoholism, or anxiety) that your partner learned that it would be better to lie about where they were going or what they were doing than to further burden that parent with worry.

Understanding the root of defensiveness or dishonesty can be very useful in allowing you to stay calm and not morph into the "prosecutor" role.  Instead, try to speak calmly and kindly to your partner when you think they aren't telling the truth, even injecting some gentle humor if at all possible or inappropriate. Also, always be as completely honest as you can, both to model honesty and because, really, two wrongs don't make a right. For example:

"It is okay if you ate the cereal.  Maybe you ate it to help with my diet (if that would be funny in your house/to you)."

"I think my phone does receive texts alright.  I just hope that in the future, you can text me back quicker."

"I'm sad about you leaving because I never thought you wouldn't have stayed overnight.  I wish I would have made it clearer that I wanted you to come back after you had gone home, but I struggle with assertiveness and I am mad at myself for that too."

Couples counseling can help a lot with this issue by allowing partners to let down their defenses in a safe and non-judgmental zone.  Maybe there are in fact ways that you respond to your partner's honesty that has made them learn that it is dangerous to admit certain things to you.  This would be very helpful for you to work on as well, if the goal is to foster a more honest, open, and loving relationship.  In the interim, try to empathize and be kindly honest yourself.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, No Really, Sharing This Article With Partner D Will Not Go Well.

For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten's books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person.

Facebook Comments

comments

williamsplut1974.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.drpsychmom.com/2018/01/15/partner-defensive-lies-little-things-time/

Share this post